asking [friends] for help.

Picture above = some very good friends.

Hey everyone!

It just occurred to me (literally seconds ago) that I need to stop pretending that I know everything.

Until I admit to myself that I am still learning and that there is so much knowledge and wisdom that I can attain from other people I will continue to struggle. I know who I am and how to listen to what my heart is saying (I try at least) but sometimes the most profound wisdom that I encounter is found outside of myself.

I need to stop being so afraid to look outward. In order to do this I am going to have to do something that I have never been comfortable doing: asking for help.

For some reason I always thought that asking for help meant admitting defeat: if I can't do something on my own it makes me a failure who is unworthy or any attention that would be attained through reaching outward. However, it is this kind of thinking that gets me into trouble in the first place!

Reaching out does not mean I am a failure but rather that I am assertive and eager to learn from the experiences of others.

From here on out I am going to make a solid effort to keep reminding myself that sharing my daily experiences (battles, discoveries, celebrations, etc.) with other people is totally necessary if I want to keep growing as a person. I am also going to make an attempt to learn as much as I can from the experiences of other people. I tend to get stuck in a rut, thinking that that way I have been doing things is the only way. The logical part of me knows however that breaking my own rules and routines is what makes me feel most liberated, not remaining a prisoner to them.

Every day seems to teach me something valuable and I am going to try and remember that with each answer that comes my way, there is always another one waiting around the corner.

And good friends make everything better (:

Goodnight friends!

sunday lameness...

Oh the joys of a sunday night.

After a blah weekend filled with a bit of friend time, a drop of home-work doing, a lot of driving, and not an ounce of time with J., I am ready to call it a day.

Do you ever have days where things seem a bit "off'"? I think its safe to say that today falls into the "I-think-I-feel-a-funk-coming-on" category. I would also say that nothing can help cure a case of the "blahs" like a good nights rest.

So my dear friends, good night and sweet dreams.

I'M BACK

Seriously what is up with the fact that I haven't posted on here in foreverrrrr?

What is the picture of? Oh just a HUGE snowman that my neighbor's made. It seriously rocks (or at least it did before it melted...)!

I apologize for my absence; things have been a bit hectic in the life of Sarah lately.

So what have I been up to exactly? Well:

- School work (which I am avoiding right now by the way): Reading, writing, campus meet ups, looong discussions with my teachers, etc etc.

- Friends! I have been getting a healthy dose of socialization lately and it feels wonderful!

- J. time (:

- Music!!! I am finding that when it comes to fitting more music into my day, multi-tasking can be a lifesaver! For example: because I spend so much time in the car driving to and from school, work, and such, I find that I am able to work on songs during this travel time! Not new ones usually, but rather old ones that I working on and I know well enough to sing a capella while driving. It's awesome because motion usually gets my brain fired up and I come home with finished songs.

- KITTEN! My mom (who shares my intense love for animals) has been feeding a family of feral cats that live outside of her school building for the past few months. She noticed them one day while heading home and she has been bringing them food every day since. About two weeks ago while my mom was feeding the cats, she noticed a kitten who did not run away from her like the others did. After a closer look she realized that the kitten was very sick with what we later found out was an upper respiratory infection. Anyway, the kitten stayed with us for the night, during which time we fell in love and convinced my dad to let us adopt her. Here we are two weeks later and little Sheela (if you want more info as to where her name came from just comment and let me know) and I are snuggling together on my bed. She is so loving! She is constantly purring and begging for me to pet her. (:

Okay well I am off to finish some homework and hang out with the kitty. Adios!

Early Morning Thoughts

This morning I woke up super early. I have no idea why - I have been seriously sleep deprived within the past week. Getting back to school has seriously thrown me for a loop. Time management is something that I generally don't have too much trouble with but for some reason as of late my body and brain have both been telling me that what I need are not to be doing readings and critical responses but to be playing guitar, writing, doing yoga, spending time with my friends, and whatever other pleasant activity presents itself to me. I am really trying to cherish and enjoy every moment of these activities because I know that I have been denying myself of them for such a long time.

Let me explain.

Since I was young I have struggled with body image and eating issues, high anxiety, depression, and low self esteem. These difficulties left me feeling very sad, isolated. I am trying to be mindful, thoughtful, and appreciate of everyday in an attempt to heal myself and it has proven to be a very difficult process.

I am lucky to have some very positive forces in my life including: my seemingly endlessly supportive boyfriend, my mother and father, a few friends who I have informed about my struggles, my therapist - who has proven to be someone that I feel very comfortable talking to, and my nutritionist, who, although I have not known her long, seems to have a lot of experience to share.

I also have my songwriting which is always nourishing and therapeutic to me. It forces me to look inward without eve realizing that I am doing it and to really feel my emotions - something that I try very hard to avoid a great deal of the time.

I have been struggling a lot lately with some of my old demons, that I am realizing though my own self reflection, have never really gone away. I think that throughout my teens I suppressed my feelings about my difficulties and since I graduated from high school a lot of them have been coming right back up again, in a not so positive way.

Anyway, I just though that I would share why it is that I haven't been posting as of late. I figured that instead of making this blog into a place where I post about amazing my day-to-day life is was I should actually be honest and share my struggles with those of you out there who are reading.

Because honestly on, we all struggle.

Oh, and in case you were wondering what the picture above is all about, it is of the little leaf footed bug that kept J. and I company the weekend before last. His name is Jasper and he spent the last two or three at the foot of my bed. Seriously, he hasn't moved. That's one simple appreciate that I have right there:

I. Love. Bugs!

Namaste.

goals:

Yep, those are the goats that I was talking about in my previous post. Cute, no?

And they are PREGGERZ! I seriously cannot wait to visit the little baby goaties. Soooooo excited!

Okay onto GOALS:

Goals for tomorrow:

- Buy planner

- Mail Jordan's (no, I didn't slip and reveal J., my boyfriend's secret identity. Jordan is my cousin) mix cd

- Check out the HCC gym

- See if Dave's pet food city has vegan or vegetarian dog food.

- Finish homework for for class

- Finalize schedule (decide on dropping or keeping poli. sci.)

- Find books for class online/ buy them!

- Play music!

Goals for this week:

- Bring lap top to the mac store/ buy backup for laptop!

- Return books to Smith/ sell them online

- Sell dvds online

Long term goals to carry out on a daily basis:

- Play a mixture of guitar, piano, uke, and saw on a daily basis.

- Do the touch-typing program for 15 minutes a day.

- MOVE. Do something, anything: walk, hike, run, yoga-out, do weights, jump, dance, hula hoop, etc.

- Buy new running shoes.

- Read a little bit (with college courses starting up this shouldn't be a problem).

- Do more animal rights activism (write, go to events, educate myself through reading and writing).

- Visit with friends often - make it a point to socialize at least every other day.

- Establish a book club!

- Make a new recipe/ try something new every day.

- Communicate; be honest and open with everyone including my parents.

- Reduce procrastination time (blogging, facebook, etc.).

- Reduce and slowly eliminate all negative thoughts, through positive self-talk and by introducing optimism into all areas of my life.

- Quit bitting my nails.

- Learn about/ purchase some quality vegan hair and skin care products.

- Be less critical: let everything be, including myself.

- Save the world.

Peace!

Freezing cold hikes, insects, pregnant goats, & inner-peace.

Hello lovelies!

As you may or may not have noticed, it has been quite some time since I last sat down and devoted a chunk of time towards a post. Well starting now I have decided to commit to posting on here more often even if means just writing a tiny fraction of what I normally would. I am slowly realizing that condensing my reality into a few short lines is nearly an impossibility for me - but I am going to try! Consistency not quantity right?

So onto what's new in my life. Well, let me start by saying that I am writing to you right now with the hottest butt ever! In all seriousness though, I just discovered my mom's heating pad and it rocks. My room, for whatever reason, is the coldest in the house and so a little extra heat goes a long way. Plus now my backside is super cozy! (:

Let me do a quick (or not so quick) weekend recap for you: J. came to visit and we had a ultra lazy yet super productive mini-vacation. During our 4 nights and 3 days together we:

- almost performed at an open mic, but left early due to a fee that we were unaware of, and a super cranky&rude lady working at the coffee shop where the open mic was held. I was bummed that I didn't get to see my friend perform her song but I didn't want to/realize that I was suppose to spend money in order to view or perform in the open mic. And in regards to t woman's rude nature: I honestly don't know why anyone would be inconsiderate towards another person about something so small. Neither J. nor I knew about the money and I told her that in all honesty the rule was new to me and I was simply unaware. However, she showed no empathy or understanding at all but rather judgement and hostility. She did nothing but lose two costumers forever.

- made waffles, pancakes, indian spiced chickpeas, and lentil sloppy joes... talk about a fiesta of vegan recipes! Actually I can't take credit - J. made all of these recipes!

I tend to be reluctant when it comes to making new recipes - usually I end up opting for good old fashioned connivence foods like hummus, salads, beans - whatever is around. J. however, tends to require more variety and culinary creativity on a regular basis. Every day I learn a little more from his genius.

- went on a beautiful hour long hike up a snowy and cold mountain to watch the sun sink down. It was beautiful, and by that I mean beautifully freezing. We. Were. Frigid.

- Made friends with an awesome bug which J. named Jasper. Jasper followed us around all weekend. I first met him in my room on Thursday night before J. and I met up. My first encounter with Jasper was on the floor of my bedroom where I found him crawling around before relocating him to a plant out in our living room. The second time Jay and I found him crawling on the floor in my room once again. I made sure to introduce them both to one another. The third time Jay and I saw Jasper was in the kitchen while we were making dinner. He fell off of the light in the center of the kitchen and onto the island counter-top. I put him onto a kale stem that had been sitting around and he remained there for the remainder of the evening. We eventually left the kitchen and returned to to bedroom, bringing Jasper and his kale stem with us. Eventually he crawled off of the stem and onto my dresser. Yet it wasn't long before we saw Jasper again! He met up with Jay and I once again in the kitchen ontop of the island. He also met up with me again yesterday morning, hiding inside of my shoe. J. and I found out that Jasper is a leaf footed bug. How do I know that it is the same bug? Well, I have never seen a leaf footed bug in my house before this and also I just have a sixth sense around bugs. Trust me guys, I just know.

- We had a play date with some adorable, pregnant goats! They were kind enough to show us around their little home and we happily obliged. They were real sweeties.

- We went to the Peace Pagoda in Leverett, an incedible buddhist monument created entirely by monks, nuns, and volunteers. It is one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I know of and trekking up the wintering hills of Leverett (it is only a five minute walk) is quickly becoming a winterly tradition for J. and I. We went this time last year and I hope to visit again this time next winter and hopefully in the spring (the optimal pagoda-visiting-season) as well!

- played a bit of music, listened to music, watched some funny movies, and just plain old spent time together.

Yay!

It was a wonderful way to spend a very cold couple of days.

Quote of the day:

"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage. " - Maya Angelou

Here are links to the recipes I listed above:

Banana Pancakes:

http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2011/01/05/banana-pancakes-for-one/

Indian Spiced Chickpeas:

http://www.namastegurl.com/the-perfect-salad-topper/

Lentil sloppy joes:

http://www.honormyhealth.com/2010/07/05/lentil-sloppy-joes/

* I am not including the waffles because they were really heavy and ultimately not the best. But these other recipes? Winners.

How did you spend your weekend?

Nocturnal thought puddles

Hello lovelies!

Pictured above is some sweet kite flying action, which took place during my recent trip to Maine.

I am sitting here on my bed getting ready for some shut eye and it occurred to me that it has been a while since I wrote on here. So I am going to do a brief recap of what I have been up to in the past week (in a nutshell):

- I drove (reluctantly) back from J.'s parents' home in Maine to my parents' home, which is also my current residence, in Massachusetts. It was a sorrowful departure but an intellectually stimulating car ride thanks to some interesting NPR segments on gripping topics such as: killer computers, cosmic green space clouds, and Pay-as-you-throw-away trash programs. The recent death of my cd player has proven to be a major blessing in disguise. Thank you for keeping me company NPR, I am so glad that we have become friends.

- We got a buttload of snow on Wednesday and I took a beautiful walk down the street. I was lucky enough to spend the evening with a group of dear friends from high school, the night before two ladies in the group set off on a four month long trip to Africa! Goodness I am jealous. I can only wish them the best of luck with their travels and hope that they stay healthy, safe, and have plenty of fun. I will miss you both!

- I worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and had a super awesome time! I can really feel myself connecting and opening up with my coworkers. I needed and appreciated, and care for there. I think that feeling comfortable, stimulated, and joyful in your working environment are key to have a good experience and doing your best at whatever it is that your job entails.

- I had a particularly interesting discussion with a coworker on Friday about dreams. I will write more in depth about my own personal experience involving dreams as well as my response to this conversation next time.

- Saturday night, after another day of work, I ended up getting really sick. Also on Saturday, I made a big decision which I will explain in more detail in another post.

- Sunday afternoon, I chatted and played music with a good friend. We are preparing for an upcoming open mic that I am really excited about. It feels good to be playing more music - maybe my seasonal music slump is coming to an end (knock on wood). Later in the evening I had a great phone conversation with an older friend from high school who is currently interning at a recording studio. She told me that she is going to be working with Natalie Merchant soon! Jealous! We had a stimulating discussion on veganism and it was, I hope, as informative for her and it was fun for me. Sometimes I forget how much I know about veganism and nutrition. It is definitely a passion of mine.

And now, it is 1:50 on Monday - (Happy Martin Luther King Jr Day Everyone!) - and I am going to hit the hay. But first:

Some activities on the agenda for tomorrow:

- Get last minute HCC endeavors squared away

- Email: hawaii dude

- Call: Ro. (check)

- Schedule appointment (check)

- Play music (practice covers for open mic on Friday, work on my songs, practice guitar, uke, and piano) (check)

- Yoga or walk

- possibly weights? (check)

- Hang out with two dear friends and do something fun (check)

- Laugh, genuinely. (check)

(Random) Quote of the day:

"Imagination is more important than Knowledge" - Albert Einstein

Question of the day:

What are your thoughts on veganism?

Goodnight!

Stillness Is the Move

I made a really profound discovery this morning... I think.

I love to run.

I have been running regularly since september and it has been wonderful. It's such a great way to keep myself grounded and de-stress - I have high anxiety and running really helps me to keep it to a minimum. However, due to a recent foot injury, I have had to take a break from running.

I have not run for about a month.

At first not running was incredibly difficult. In the past few months, running has been the answer to nearly every problem that has come up in my life and now that solution had been eliminated, forcing me to find a new one. What was I suppose to do when I started feeling anxious? What was I suppose to do when I got into a fight with my mom? What was I suppose to do when I felt... trapped?

I'm a stubborn person and I really tried to ignore the emotions that running helped to temporarily tame for as long as possible. However, eventually all emotions become revealed in some way or another, and despite my initial reluctance, I was eventually forced to do surrender to my own worst enemy: myself, and face the thing that I was most afraid of:

sitting, with my feelings.

Well, I wasn't actually sitting. I was doing yoga.

Let me back track a bit:

Fortunately for me, and not so fortunately for my family and my boyfriend J., my vacation from running happened to come at the same time as a family vacation to Florida. My mom, dad, J., and I were stuck in a car for two days together. For someone with high anxiety this was no picnic.

There were plenty of thoughtless actions, emotional triggers, and tears... plenty of them.

However, although we weren't all hugging and singing songs together (although we did do some sweet car dancing on the way home!), everyone was supportive of my difficulties and I am endlessly lucky and grateful in that regard.

Once, we got to Florida I was unsure of what to do. I couldn't really walk let alone run (yes, my foot was that bad) and I needed to do something to release in a physical way.

I had brought with me a yoga dvd that I used on occasion but never really on a regular basis.

One day, while experiencing a mild panic attack, J. suggested that we do the yoga dvd together. Although at first I was skeptical: I didn't think that it was going to give me the amount of physical exertion that I require in order to experience relief from my anxiety. However, I had to face the fact that I really had no other option.

So together we did yoga. We started by focusing on our breathing and then we gently moved our bodies into postures that required strength, proper breathing, and forced us to focus not only on how we performed the exercises, but how our bodies felt. This emphasis on listening to your body was something that I had purposely avoided for a very long time. Maybe I didn't want to listen to my body. Maybe I felt like my body and I were not only strangers, but rather enemies who did not want to hear what one another had to say. In the past I had use running as a tool to silence my inner voice and frankly the idea of listening to it now scared me to no end. However, while I moved through the postures, which did satisfy my need to move in a refreshing and nurturing way, I thought... a lot.

I realized that running had been a way to solve my problems temporarily by distracting myself with movement. But with yoga, I was able to start seeing things in a different light.

Instead of stressing over unknowns such as: 'What am I going to do when I feel anxious?' or 'What am I going to do when I get into a fight with my mom?' I began to ask myself: 'Why am I anxious?' 'Why am I fighting with my mom in the first place?'. Yoga was able to help me change my thinking in a way that actually helped me to problem solve by getting myself to the deepest root of the issue. At the same time it also helped me o trecognize a lot of my own fears about life, love, and myself.

Now, I am not going to sit here and say that yoga solved all of my problems. It most certainly did not. I still have high anxiety, I still fight with my mom, and I still feel trapped... sometimes.

What yoga did do was help me develop an overall awareness of myself. It helped me to realize that I am powerful and capable enough to tackle anything that life throws my way, and it gave me the tools to always be able to look deep inside of myself and understand what my heart is really saying.

Yoga teaches you about strength. It forces you to connect with and embrace your own strength physically, mentally, and emotionally. It challenges your body physically while encouraging you to maintain an awareness of your thoughts and your breath. The most liberating part of the strength that yoga allows you to cultivate is that it is entirely your own.

I am now a proud yoga lover and frequent practicer but this does not mean that I don't believe running and I can not repair our broken relationship. This time around I want to run in the safest way possible which means not pushing myself through something but feeling what my body needs a the time(a technique emphasized in yoga). I also need to get new shoes and make sure that I stretch and give my body adequate time to recover each time I run.

Anyway, this morning I woke up with the desire to run. I can't run right now unfortunately, less because of my foot injury (it has healed a significant amount), but more because of location - I am not at home but at J.'s house for a visit.

I immediately felt stressed, and that old fire, the fire that I now recognize as a way of avoiding my own feelings, emerged. However, instead of giving into this feeling as I would have in the past, I recognized it. With that awareness I was able to reflect back upon the recent discoveries that I made with the help of yoga and channel it through another form of therapy: writing!

So friendly readers, if you are out there (and I hope you are!) my hope is that my transformation can help you to also grow in a positive way.

I think that the most important lesson that I learned is that you must constantly remind yourself to never fear, impose harm upon, or most importantly underestimate yourself.

Quote(s) of the day:

"Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured."

- B.K.S. Iyengar

&

Through the practices of yoga, we discover that concern for the happiness and well being of others, including animals, must be an essential part of our own quest for happiness and well being. The fork can be a powerful weapon of mass destruction or a tool to create peace on

- Sharon Gannon

Question(s) of the day:

Do you ever suppress your own feelings? If so, does the idea of sitting with those feelings scare you? Why do you think this is?

Have a great day everyone!

Musical Frustration: Part II... & Breakfast!

Good morning!

I can not believe that I am writing this at 7:00... A.M. I woke up this morning a little bit before 6 feeling really hungry. I was really craving almonds so I made my self a yummy breakfast of 2 packets of plain instant oatmeal, 1 banana, 1/4 cup of a raw almond and raisin mix, garnished with cinnamon and sweetened with stevia. It was incredible!

When my family, my boyfriend and I took a trip to Florida to visit with family for the holidays, we spent a few days with my grandparents in Georgia. My grandmother Carole and my mom went out to the store to pick up some vegan eats for me and my boyfriend and while they were unable to find some of my fav staple foods - ezekiel tortillas for example - they were able to find organic, plain instant oats! I love the convenience of instant oatmeal when your on the road and I have never been able to find oats of the instant, packaged variety that weren't sweetened, or packed with weird additives and/or artificial ingredients. So finding these was such a surprising treat. Upon receiving the oats I thanked my mom and grandma and told them, in the words of Tim and Eric, Great Job! Unfortunately they didn't get the reference.

Anyway back to musical endeavors of the frustrated variety:

So, we left off talking about me writing my first song, which was a cappella. When I got a little bit older I became more and more fixated with my fathers acoustic guitar. He sensed my interest, and showed me my first chord - a D. I struggled at first to configure my fingers into the tiny triangular shape that the chord required, all while putting enough pressure on the strings so that they would resonate the way they were suppose to. After that I was hooked.

I took guitar lessons for a bit learning basic chords, covering songs by other artists that were assigned by my teacher (my first was "Let It Be"), and overviewing a bit of picking and finger technique, until my teacher moved to New York. From there, I basically took what I had learned through lessons and used that knowledge to develop my own songwriting skills on the guitar. I enjoyed playing other people's music but I always found myself straying while practicing, in a similar way to when I wrote my first song... I wanted to create something of my own that meant something to me. At a young age I discovered the rush of playing a song that you yourself write personally. There is nothing else like it.

In eighth grade I transfered out of public school middle school and into a performing arts middle school near by. I had heard of the school from a very dear friend and been really interested because I never enjoyed or felt good going to public school. I always felt a bit anxious in such competitive environments and I found it difficult to make friends. So naturally when another option was presented to me I eagerly jumped on board the charter school train.

PVPA (Pioneer Valley Performing Arts High School) was small and the kids were friendly, everyone bonding together in a haze of middle school/ new school awkwardness. The teachers who were all very welcoming, seemed to be fueled with a kind of 'we're-very-enthusiastic-about-this-school-but-we're-still-getting-used-to-this-whole-teaching-thing' kind of vibe.

And to be fair it was the first year that the middle school was open. That year, PVPA, which originally was a high school only, had branched out to create a middle school - and for this I am eternally grateful ('Toy Story' anyone?). Because the middle school was brand new there was a whole new crop of students that the school was just waiting to let in. The high school, which had been around longer, had a lottery system for accepting students and so if the middle school had not opened up at that time I may have never gotten in. I auditioned for the school with my song "Fall".

In middle and high school I slowly transformed from out of my shy closet singer songwriter persona into a open-mic playing regular (we had one almost every friday) who belted out songs in the school staircase. PVPA completely brought me to life and helped me to realize that music, for me at that time, was the most healing and enriching way to nourish my creative being.

I took lessons with various teachers throughout high school but I never really stayed with them too long. Sometimes it was the teachers who didn't feel right and sometimes it was the lessons themselves - somehow practicing the 12 bar blues just didn't make my heart sing the way writing my own songs did.

I ended up writing a lot of songs throughout my adolescence and teens, over 30 of them. I dabbled in a bit of recording but always felt intimidated by the permanence of it. I didn't like the idea of not being able to change a lyric if I wanted to. In addition to playing at school, I played a lot out on my own too: at open mics, some local shows with other young artists, and sometimes I collaborated with friends.

After graduating from high school, I deferred from Smith College for a year to work on music - ideally I wanted to record. My recording plans feel through but my school year (August 2009 - August 2010) year was still jam packed full of great things including music: I worked at a children's summer camp where I made some wonderful connections with people, I picked up the ukulele and the piano, I worked at a coffee shop, I met my current boyfriend J., I took 3 amazing classes at a wonderful community college that I absolutely adored, J. and I started a band together (and recorded an album!), I spent the summer in Maine with J. & his family, I worked at an Inn in Maine, I saved a bird in the road, made some big and really difficult decisions about school, and wrote a whole slew of new songs.

And now on the the frustration part. Since returning home from my summer in Maine and them some time away at school, I have been having a really difficult time writing music. This difficulty may be due to a few things: I am distracted easily and I have been putting music on the back-burner lately (which brings up that age-old question: why do we put off doing the things that we feel that we wanting to do?), I may be in a musical rut, and I may be in part due to the fact that it is winter time and this has caused a musical decline to my musical creativity and productivity in the past. Usually I am flooded with ideas come spring.

Whatever the reason for the break, I have decided, to ride out this musical fork in the road with stride.

I think that is all I have time for, for now. I am off to choose my new classes at Holyoke Community College (the one I mentioned earlier) and then I have a long list of errands. Sounds fun right?

Quote of the day:

"A human being... experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desired and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison... " - Einstein

Question of the day (feel free to leave a comment below):

Is there anything that you love to do and yet you put off doing it on a regular basis?

Have a great day guys!

Musical Frustration: Part I

Hello. Good evening. Thanks for stopping by. Hi. Hey. Howdy! Gad you've made it. Welcome back!

In case you were wondering I couldn't figure out how to begin tonight and I figured that if I wrote down every introduction I could think of then later I couldn't say: "crap I wish I wrote this one instead..."

And yes, I do think about really unimportant things such as introductions. I guess unimportant isn't the word that I am looking for... petty maybe? Anyway I guess sometimes I get distracted by petty worries... or worries about petty things... like which word I am looking for.

I am also guilty of using a certain word in a sentence, then disliking it for whatever reason, then looking up synonyms for that word and debating over which synonym is appropriate for the given sentence for an embarrassing amount of time. Sometimes I will try to choose a synonym that I have never heard if before so I can learn a new word. And then I debate about whether I have a firm enough grasp of the meaning of said word to use it yet for an embarrassing amount of time. Sometimes I feel like using a word that you don't fully understand (how can you really understand it after just hearing it and reading the definition one time? Will you actually remember that word the next time that you see it? Will you?) is a a bit like cheating. Long-story short: I'm a bit crazy but well intentioned. Or just crazy.

If you are still with me I applaud your bravery and your tolerance for tangents. I expect they will become a regular occurrence for me here in this free-range writing haven... of sorts.

Anyway,

I spent the past two days hanging out with my good friend whom I will refer to as Madz. This is the first time I have spent time with her (excluding a super brief meet up at a concert this summer) for the first time in over half a year! This past May I left to go to Maine where I lived with my boyfriend J. for the summer and just before I returned home in August, Madz set off on her own adventure... to another country! Madz spent four months in Costa Rica doing volunteer work and absorbing, exploring, and experiencing another culture. I have never been outside of the United States, other than a weekend trip to Montreal, and I can not imagine how liberating, eye-opening, and enriching this experience must be and have been for Madz. I am so looking forward to traveling in the future and I can not wait to experience something outside the realm of what I know.

The picture up above is from my recent visit with Madz. It is me with her adorable dog Murphy. I hate to admit it, because I know that J. is amongst those reading this... J. is probably the only one reading this... but Murphy and I have a bit of a love affair going on. Fortunately for your discretion this picture was snapped during one of our less provocative moments.

But lets get back to business. What I wanted to write about tonight was my recent songwriting frustration and difficulty. It feels as if this may turn into more of a diary entry than an information resource (but I guess that a blog is kind of like a public diary of sorts right?) so please bear with me. I think that you may be able to relate to what I am feeling on some level, music-related or otherwise.

I guess I will start with a brief background of my musical history:

I have always enjoyed listening to music, there is some musical component attached to every memory of my childhood that I can conjure up. One of these memories is of jumping on my trampoline to bad pop bands of the 90's. When I say bad music I mean bad music, which, is not limited to: Spice Girls, Bewitched, N'Sync, and a collection of tasteful and beloved classics such as the score to 'Titanic' and the 'Rugrat Gone Wild' cassette tape. As silly as these musical memories may be, I still look back upon them fondly. I especially miss that trampoline which we eventually got ride of due to the fact that it had become a safety hazard. After years of enduring the harsh New England Winters, frequent sprinkler involved jumping sessions, and much loving usage, rust began to eat away at the legs and they began caving inward... kind of like Tommy's Pickles feet. I loved that trampoline and I dedicate many years of fun and entertainment to it. Rest in peace dear friend.

I also liked to listen to music in the back of my dad's big blue van which I sat in the back of, on the floor, without a seatbelt, in the company of one of my dearest childhood companions Sylvana. I know that this is very much illegal and probably not the safest thing for two little girls to be doing (riding in the van seatbelt-less, not listening to bad pop) but we had such a blast and it was always a treat when my dad would let us listen to the music we wanted. Looking back, my dad was a brave soul to tolerate that music and us singing along to it. And I always sang along. To be fair I think that getting to experience a little joy like such as that means way more to a kid than being a little bit secretly irritated by your child's crap music does to an adult. If that makes any sense.

I could go on but I will not bore you with the little details - basically I enjoyed music as a little kid.

When I was around eight I went through a brief stint of playing the violin. I guess as a kid I assumed because violins were so exciting and wondrous looking that I would thoroughly enjoy playing one.

This was not the case.

I dreaded practicing and lessons and recitals. These were the days before I began comparing myself to others so I didn't fear recitals for that reason, but simply because I was nervous that I would mess up. Which somehow, to my memory, I never did.

Anyway, eventually I quit playing violin and stopped thinking about playing music myself, all while still enjoying listening to music.

Oh , also, my mom loved to go contra dancing when I was a kid. Sometimes I would dance with her but most of my contra dance memories are of sitting and watching the band. I would find a comfy spot behind the stage with a a coloring book, or lay down and cuddle with a band-member's, dog watching the musicians. They had such an energy to them. It was mesmerizing, comforting, and so soothing that I often fell asleep right there.

When I was ten years old I wrote my first song. It was an A Cappella song and it was written out of a need... desperation really that I had at the time to sing something. I remember getting home one day from school and wanting to sing but not knowing what to sing exactly. At the time my mom had just bought a Macy Gray album and I really liked the song 'Try'. I tried (haha get it? J. I know you hate me right now) singing the song (without the music) using the little lyric book that came with the cd (at this was the point in my life my family had advanced from the cassette to cd. I remember the first cd that I ever bought was the soundtrack to the Blue Brothers movie - one of my all time favorite movies ever. Oh and that reminds me! I didn't even bother to go back in time to inform you of my obsession with my parents record and forty five collection when I was a toddler. Now you know. Sorry that these parenthesis have gone on entirely too long and have lost relevance. It's late and I am very tired. I hope that you can remember where we left off. I feel kind of like a friend interrupting a teacher who has been talking for a long time and is about to call on you to answer a question... can you remember where I left off without going back to the top?) but for some reason, in that moment, singing that song felt a bit unnatural, so I decided, without much thought or stress, to write my own song. It was a bit corny but I still have to give my ten year old self credit, "Fall", in all it's cheesy glory, was well done. And just like that, my need to sing was satisfied by my own pen.

I'm sorry guys but I am going to have to break here and sign off for the evening because I am getting wayyyy too tired. I hope that wasn't too boring of a read and I apologize that I haven't even gotten too the relatable-and-at-the-same-time-possibly-helpful-and/or-useful-in-some-way information yet. Tomorrow is another day and I will do my best to finish tomorrow.

Thanks for listening... reading!

Oh and to end here's well-known but beloved quote:

"Be the change that you want to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi

Goodnight!