This morning I woke up super early. I have no idea why - I have been seriously sleep deprived within the past week. Getting back to school has seriously thrown me for a loop. Time management is something that I generally don't have too much trouble with but for some reason as of late my body and brain have both been telling me that what I need are not to be doing readings and critical responses but to be playing guitar, writing, doing yoga, spending time with my friends, and whatever other pleasant activity presents itself to me. I am really trying to cherish and enjoy every moment of these activities because I know that I have been denying myself of them for such a long time.
Let me explain.
Since I was young I have struggled with body image and eating issues, high anxiety, depression, and low self esteem. These difficulties left me feeling very sad, isolated. I am trying to be mindful, thoughtful, and appreciate of everyday in an attempt to heal myself and it has proven to be a very difficult process.
I am lucky to have some very positive forces in my life including: my seemingly endlessly supportive boyfriend, my mother and father, a few friends who I have informed about my struggles, my therapist - who has proven to be someone that I feel very comfortable talking to, and my nutritionist, who, although I have not known her long, seems to have a lot of experience to share.
I also have my songwriting which is always nourishing and therapeutic to me. It forces me to look inward without eve realizing that I am doing it and to really feel my emotions - something that I try very hard to avoid a great deal of the time.
I have been struggling a lot lately with some of my old demons, that I am realizing though my own self reflection, have never really gone away. I think that throughout my teens I suppressed my feelings about my difficulties and since I graduated from high school a lot of them have been coming right back up again, in a not so positive way.
Anyway, I just though that I would share why it is that I haven't been posting as of late. I figured that instead of making this blog into a place where I post about amazing my day-to-day life is was I should actually be honest and share my struggles with those of you out there who are reading.
Because honestly on, we all struggle.
Oh, and in case you were wondering what the picture above is all about, it is of the little leaf footed bug that kept J. and I company the weekend before last. His name is Jasper and he spent the last two or three at the foot of my bed. Seriously, he hasn't moved. That's one simple appreciate that I have right there:
I. Love. Bugs!
Namaste.
