Hello. Good evening. Thanks for stopping by. Hi. Hey. Howdy! Gad you've made it. Welcome back!
In case you were wondering I couldn't figure out how to begin tonight and I figured that if I wrote down every introduction I could think of then later I couldn't say: "crap I wish I wrote this one instead..."
And yes, I do think about really unimportant things such as introductions. I guess unimportant isn't the word that I am looking for... petty maybe? Anyway I guess sometimes I get distracted by petty worries... or worries about petty things... like which word I am looking for.
I am also guilty of using a certain word in a sentence, then disliking it for whatever reason, then looking up synonyms for that word and debating over which synonym is appropriate for the given sentence for an embarrassing amount of time. Sometimes I will try to choose a synonym that I have never heard if before so I can learn a new word. And then I debate about whether I have a firm enough grasp of the meaning of said word to use it yet for an embarrassing amount of time. Sometimes I feel like using a word that you don't fully understand (how can you really understand it after just hearing it and reading the definition one time? Will you actually remember that word the next time that you see it? Will you?) is a a bit like cheating. Long-story short: I'm a bit crazy but well intentioned. Or just crazy.
If you are still with me I applaud your bravery and your tolerance for tangents. I expect they will become a regular occurrence for me here in this free-range writing haven... of sorts.
Anyway,
I spent the past two days hanging out with my good friend whom I will refer to as Madz. This is the first time I have spent time with her (excluding a super brief meet up at a concert this summer) for the first time in over half a year! This past May I left to go to Maine where I lived with my boyfriend J. for the summer and just before I returned home in August, Madz set off on her own adventure... to another country! Madz spent four months in Costa Rica doing volunteer work and absorbing, exploring, and experiencing another culture. I have never been outside of the United States, other than a weekend trip to Montreal, and I can not imagine how liberating, eye-opening, and enriching this experience must be and have been for Madz. I am so looking forward to traveling in the future and I can not wait to experience something outside the realm of what I know.
The picture up above is from my recent visit with Madz. It is me with her adorable dog Murphy. I hate to admit it, because I know that J. is amongst those reading this... J. is probably the only one reading this... but Murphy and I have a bit of a love affair going on. Fortunately for your discretion this picture was snapped during one of our less provocative moments.
But lets get back to business. What I wanted to write about tonight was my recent songwriting frustration and difficulty. It feels as if this may turn into more of a diary entry than an information resource (but I guess that a blog is kind of like a public diary of sorts right?) so please bear with me. I think that you may be able to relate to what I am feeling on some level, music-related or otherwise.
I guess I will start with a brief background of my musical history:
I have always enjoyed listening to music, there is some musical component attached to every memory of my childhood that I can conjure up. One of these memories is of jumping on my trampoline to bad pop bands of the 90's. When I say bad music I mean bad music, which, is not limited to: Spice Girls, Bewitched, N'Sync, and a collection of tasteful and beloved classics such as the score to 'Titanic' and the 'Rugrat Gone Wild' cassette tape. As silly as these musical memories may be, I still look back upon them fondly. I especially miss that trampoline which we eventually got ride of due to the fact that it had become a safety hazard. After years of enduring the harsh New England Winters, frequent sprinkler involved jumping sessions, and much loving usage, rust began to eat away at the legs and they began caving inward... kind of like Tommy's Pickles feet. I loved that trampoline and I dedicate many years of fun and entertainment to it. Rest in peace dear friend.
I also liked to listen to music in the back of my dad's big blue van which I sat in the back of, on the floor, without a seatbelt, in the company of one of my dearest childhood companions Sylvana. I know that this is very much illegal and probably not the safest thing for two little girls to be doing (riding in the van seatbelt-less, not listening to bad pop) but we had such a blast and it was always a treat when my dad would let us listen to the music we wanted. Looking back, my dad was a brave soul to tolerate that music and us singing along to it. And I always sang along. To be fair I think that getting to experience a little joy like such as that means way more to a kid than being a little bit secretly irritated by your child's crap music does to an adult. If that makes any sense.
I could go on but I will not bore you with the little details - basically I enjoyed music as a little kid.
When I was around eight I went through a brief stint of playing the violin. I guess as a kid I assumed because violins were so exciting and wondrous looking that I would thoroughly enjoy playing one.
This was not the case.
I dreaded practicing and lessons and recitals. These were the days before I began comparing myself to others so I didn't fear recitals for that reason, but simply because I was nervous that I would mess up. Which somehow, to my memory, I never did.
Anyway, eventually I quit playing violin and stopped thinking about playing music myself, all while still enjoying listening to music.
Oh , also, my mom loved to go contra dancing when I was a kid. Sometimes I would dance with her but most of my contra dance memories are of sitting and watching the band. I would find a comfy spot behind the stage with a a coloring book, or lay down and cuddle with a band-member's, dog watching the musicians. They had such an energy to them. It was mesmerizing, comforting, and so soothing that I often fell asleep right there.
When I was ten years old I wrote my first song. It was an A Cappella song and it was written out of a need... desperation really that I had at the time to sing something. I remember getting home one day from school and wanting to sing but not knowing what to sing exactly. At the time my mom had just bought a Macy Gray album and I really liked the song 'Try'. I tried (haha get it? J. I know you hate me right now) singing the song (without the music) using the little lyric book that came with the cd (at this was the point in my life my family had advanced from the cassette to cd. I remember the first cd that I ever bought was the soundtrack to the Blue Brothers movie - one of my all time favorite movies ever. Oh and that reminds me! I didn't even bother to go back in time to inform you of my obsession with my parents record and forty five collection when I was a toddler. Now you know. Sorry that these parenthesis have gone on entirely too long and have lost relevance. It's late and I am very tired. I hope that you can remember where we left off. I feel kind of like a friend interrupting a teacher who has been talking for a long time and is about to call on you to answer a question... can you remember where I left off without going back to the top?) but for some reason, in that moment, singing that song felt a bit unnatural, so I decided, without much thought or stress, to write my own song. It was a bit corny but I still have to give my ten year old self credit, "Fall", in all it's cheesy glory, was well done. And just like that, my need to sing was satisfied by my own pen.
I'm sorry guys but I am going to have to break here and sign off for the evening because I am getting wayyyy too tired. I hope that wasn't too boring of a read and I apologize that I haven't even gotten too the relatable-and-at-the-same-time-possibly-helpful-and/or-useful-in-some-way information yet. Tomorrow is another day and I will do my best to finish tomorrow.
Thanks for listening... reading!
Oh and to end here's well-known but beloved quote:
"Be the change that you want to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi
Goodnight!
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